“When kids focus on excuses, parents need to focus on responsibility.” - James Lehman

Losing Sight of the Goal

As parents, when we feel desperate or encounter new territory with our children, we often lose sight of our original goal in parenting. Basic, daily concerns are put on the back burner while the seemingly more important issues take the forefront. Emotional and behavioral health may seem to be an urgent priority when it comes to our kids, but it's important to remember that, if possible, keeping normal, everyday life intact is vital to the health and healing of our child and the rest of the family. The ultimate goal is to raise the child and not their condition.

To find a perspective that allows us to maintain balance or re-establish parental authority in these circumstances, we need to look at what pushes us into the cycle of chasing answers and exhausting all of our resources until we’re compelled to read articles like these, and the countless others we’ve read, to figure out where we lost control of the situation. Afterall, we rarely start a family with the prospect of mental and behavioral problems in mind.

How Did We Get Here?

The first push toward "evaluation" with our children is typically the American school system. I don’t want to undermine the importance of our schools or educators as they are an essential part of our society, but an overhaul of the entire system is certainly overdue. We might also point to social media as a first-line barrage of unrealistic parenting norms, but it's the school system that puts initial pressure on parents as school children are filtered through the official education standards for each grade level, despite age differences by months that matter in the early years. Letters and forms start coming home as early as the second week of school and children are broken down into categories of performance and expected outcomes. By the time they are 8 years old, their educational path has been determined based upon standards that don’t account for the vast amount of variables that affect every child’s growth and development. Our schools are a oneway track to a pre-determined end and if your child looks like they may not be headed for that expected end with everyone else, at the exact same time, they are systematically labeled and ready for the intervention process. Step 1, the “IEP” (Individualized Education Plan) process begins. The subtle hints of ADHD and “evaluation” are dropped in the parent/teacher meetings. IEPs have an entire system of their problems, including how much help is actually given and if that help is intended to help the child make gains vs remain at the IEP level.

What is Normal?

We rely on pediatricians to guide us in our children’s health and overall well-being. Most pediatricians are pretty good about remaining in their lane regarding health, but even health comes with standards that can spark concerns over “norms”. The percentiles and milestones begin with your newborn and follow them throughout their pediatric stages of life. Another scale of performance and expected outcomes that may or may not measure-up over the years. The first time we’re told that your child is in the 20th percentile for height and weight and their head is in the 12th percentile, there is a natural desire to try to “fatten them up” or work with them in some way that results in the percentile that meets the standard. Whatever that actually is. If we're looking at the development of a 4-month-old and our child was nearly one month pre-mature, there is a disadvantage that may not be accounted for. These small variables begin to work themselves out as time goes on, but lifestyle also plays its role. Breastfed vs bottle fed, children who eat a very processed and hormone laden diet vs a child whose mother feeds them only organic, unprocessed and hormone-free meats and dairy, if any at all. Who are the control group from which the scale is devised? Who determined the normal standard? I’m not suggesting that some great science and medical foresight hasn't gone into these expected milestones, but I also think we have sensationalized the standards! We should consider that there may be more grey area that is acceptable for our children and, by not labelling them and allowing them to experience life without knowledge of their success of societal milestones, they'll probalby find where they fit anyhow. Survival of the fittest seems to transcend much of our scientific intervention in the majority of cases.  At the end of the day, maybe my kid is short and stocky with a small head! If it isn't a threat to their life or their health, this may be normal for THEM. I’ll bet they can still impact the world for the better!

Socially Normal

Another factor that affects our perspective when determining if our children are on the “right” track developmentally is obviously society. In the past, parents didn’t have access to the amount of information that we have today. Our society's free access to the world's information might have put us in more bondage than ever before, with the opinions and expertise of others. If all of this information is supposed to help, why are we exhausting ourselves with books, videos, doctors and programs that leave us increasingly unhealed and unsatisfied with the results? At some point we begin having unrealistic expectations of our children based upon the circumstances surrounding someone else’s children, and we lose sight of reality in our own lives. “My child isn’t doing what so and so’s child is doing.”  Or, “my child isn’t doing what this book says he should do.”  We start to mold our expectations for our own children based upon the standards of other people’s children or opinions. Of course, this is what the schools and society appear to expect.  We even begin to communicate about our children to one another based upon these terms and standards, and the ultimate outcome is that our children hear us evaluating them and end up seeing themselves as abnormal. This exacerbates the original behaviors in question and can lead to further emotional and behavioral confusion. The worst thing we can do as parents is to discuss standards that are based on comparisons in front of our children. I understand the desire to involve children in the process so they feel some sense of responsibility, however, a fine line can be crossed and could result in either self-empowerment or self-rejection.  Basically, a failure complex.

Parent Your Child and Not Their Problems

It's ok to parent your child and not their problems. Not to suggest we dismiss the issues at hand, but continue to hope and dream with them. When they aren't "measuring up" in school, carry on with everyday life and don’t make their failures and challenges the focus of the family. If a child is experiencing depression, keep the routine and maintain daily expectations, allowing for modifications to address their problems as needed. We may approach them differently, but not abandon our expectation of responsibility alotogether. If the child has anxiety, we help them develop a plan to accomplish the things that are expected of them at home and school, but we shouldn't aviod giving them responsibilities altogether. If a child is lashing out, we can modify our tone, but respect should never be optional. And finally,  ADHD is not synonymous with disrespect. Expectation and consequences should be concrete, especially with ADD/ADHD. 

The detrimental expectations surrounding school and society have less to do with a child’s development as a person and more to do with their development as a student of current societal standards. We have to make the main thing the main thing, without changing our entire lives to accommodate the issues we face with our children. This isn't to say that bad lifestyle practices shouldn't be addressed, but that would be for the wellbeing of the entire family relationship in any case. We have to get our authority back, both as a parent and a citizen to whom the health and education system owes respect.

From A Parent to A Parent

The fact that you took the time to read this article or check out our program is evidence that you are a well-meaning parent with only the best intentions for your child. Let that speak for itself, and give yourself a well deserved break. You’ll never perfect this! Your child is who he or she is and you have to learn to be ok with things not going as planned. You’ll get through this, and one day the responsibility for your child becomes theirs. Learn to be ok with yourself as a parent now so that you don’t carry unnecessary guilt with you later. Enjoy your children and their imperfections!

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*The information in this blog is intended for educational purposes only. The opinions expressed in this blog are the opinions of the blog owner, and any other opinions in quotations are the opinion of the sited reference.

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